Missing image? Hit Refresh, beeyotch!
sortakinda is a pud

or "How to get served a good drink quickly even when it's busy"
by Sam Malone

There exists a symbiotic relationship between the bartender and bar patron. Here are some Dos and Don'ts that will keep the relationship running smoothly.


This is the number one No No. You whistle at dogs and women, not people.

Waving money
Oh, you've got a dollar!! I'll be right over!! Hopefully I won't break an ankle in my fevered rush to get you your "curz lite". Well, at least you're not breaking the next rule.

Not having your money ready
We're waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the transitive property of equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule #1: Have your shit together. Coors light, coming up!

Yelling out the bartender's first name
There's something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That's one of the reasons strippers use stage names. Bartenders do too. Mine is Cocoa.

Saying "make it strong!" or "put a lot of liquor in it"
Oh, you're one of the rare drinkers that like their drink strong!
When you say this, you're assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and you're assuming that I'll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy, you. This is the second best way to get a weak drink.

The ever-expanding drink order
You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Ok, no prob. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule #1.

The redirect (or the bait n' switch)Could you take some of the cream out of my white russian?  I'm trying to lose weight.
Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um, don't do that, ok? Chances are she's not ready, and your weak attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in thirty minutes.

The confused, lost look
This is usually accompanied by the question "what kind of beer y'all got?" while looking at all the beers we have. You did know you were in a bar, right? You didn't just appear here, did you? Refer to rule #1

The Daddy Warbucks
Dressed in classic day-trader wear, this loud, boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders Martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. We hate you.

High Maintenance shooter orders
example; "Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, 2 Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple, and a Lemon Drop." Usually followed by a small tip. People, these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation--Time Sink. You may get them this time, but you'll probably be waited on last the next time we see your face. Here's a clue as to whether or not you're high maintenance; If two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance you're high maintenance.


Tip heavy right off the bat, and you're the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. The word will spread to the other bartenders and you'll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks and the occasional free one.

Be patient
All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we'll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money and whistling. Remember, this isn't insulin we're passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you've got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar.

Be an attractive female
As in Life, this goes far.

If this comes across as a little petty, remember, bartenders are a jaded lot.